Some Thoughts on Mother's Day and My Misplaced Awe

Today was Mother's Day. It was a beautiful blue skies and sunshine filled day and it was truly an incredible day celebrating with family and friends the role our Mom's play in our lives. I was reminded how blessed I am to have the family I have and for the relationships we share and the memories we get to make together. Today was also the first time I felt more out of place than normal on Mother's Day. You see, today more than ever before, I felt like I wasn't enough because I wasn't a mom. Well meaning people at church casually say, 'Happy Mother's Day, oh wait, you're not a mom yet' then laugh it off without realizing the pain that exchange brings. The waiter at the restaurant who seemed to keep forgetting who the mom's were at our table and needed to ask multiple times. The radio announcers reminding us that it is a day to celebrate Mom's.

All of these are true and all of these are good things to do. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mom. She is one of the most caring people I know. She continues to serve my sisters and me and is an incredible example of what a God-honoring mom looks like. I want to celebrate her and the gift she is to not only me, but to hundreds of other people.

However, today did not help the battle that rages in my heart. You see, I would love to be a mom someday. I dream and wonder what it will feel like to hold my own little one in my lap and to hear him or her call me mommy. Just typing this I get goose bumps and tears in my eyes. The smell of a newborn baby, the wonder of what and who he or she will grow up to be. And the privilege it would be to nurture that little life to come to know, love and serve God with his or her life. Motherhood is a special gift from God.

I just finished reading Paul David Tripp's book Awe: Why it Matters for Everything we Think, Say and Do. Since reading it, I have been more aware of the things that fill my mind with awe - instead of the Creator filling my mind with awe. I realize that if I am not careful, I can quickly replace my awe of God with awe of self. I too quickly think that the title Mom is something that is the end-goal. That is when I will make it. But really, the title that I know is far more important than the title mom, is the Daughter of the King. Am I worthy of having such title? No. Not for a second. But, God graciously gives us this title and this one is far more important than the title Mom.

I realized today that this day didn't help me keep my awe on God. It was a great day with family and friends, but inwardly, I failed. I mistakenly let my awe slip to the title of mom and off of the title of daughter. I don't know what things you find your awe of self dwelling on, but may this remind you that nothing and no one deserves our awe other that Jesus Christ.

"Awe of God means that God has a plan far bigger and better than any plans I have for myself. Awe of God humbles me. It puts me in my place. It reminds me that I am small, that since I am a creature of One who is far greater, it cannot be all about me." (p.61)

Mother's Day is over and gone with for another 364 days, but let's remember that instead of just picking one day to celebrate the mom's - Singles, Married, Divorced, Mothers, Future Mother's, Grandmothers, Adoptive Mom's, Foster Mom's, Aunts: let's daily strive to be women that have an awe of God that others can't help but see. God is Sovereign and knows the deepest parts of your heart. To each of you as you read this, may your awe be solely focused on God because then and only then:

"(will you) see that you are wired for awe, that awe of something sits at the bottom of everything you say and do. But you aren't just wired for awe. You are wired for awe of God. No other awe satisfies your soul. No other awe can give your heart the peace, rest, and security that it seeks." (p. 12)

Kingdom Mindsets and Eternal Glasses

Earlier this month I was able to go on a mission trip with our High School students. 67 of us went to inner city LA to do ministry with the Dream Center. It was a humbling and life-changing time for our students and leaders alike and I am so grateful God blessed me with the chance to go. I have been going hard since and have barely been able to reflect and process what God taught me and today I finally did that. As we walked the streets of Skid Row and talked to one person after the other, I was struck by how the people we met were not worried about what the rest of their lives were going to look like - they simply were trying to figure out how they were going to get their next meal.

As someone who likes to plan things, I find it easy to be in control. To know what is supposed to happen, when it is supposed to happen and how it is supposed to happen. I fail to realize that that is not how God works. I like to look at my future and think that I have it figured out. I know what it will look like and I think I know what will be best.

In LA, I realized that I was failing to live with a kingdom mindset. It is common for young people to not think much about the future and to think we are invincible. I sadly fall into this way too quickly than I would like to admit. I tend to have the "glasses" on that are a little bit fuzzy, but where I can see my hands and me planning my future because I have it in control. God took me all the way to LA to discover that I can't wear those glasses - I need to have eternal glasses on. When we look at life and look at our future with eternity in mind, everything becomes a little bit clearer. I can see farther and I can see my hands are open and surrendered to the one that holds the future in His hands.

The God who created the world, who lead the Israelites through the wilderness, who parted the Red Sea, who sent his only Son to die for my behalf is the SAME God that is holding me and my future. It grieves me to think that I so quickly put on the glasses that tell me I am in control and I can figure things out on my own because I really can't. I can, however put on the eternal glasses and suddenly everything becomes a bit more clear. Knowing what to say yes to becomes a little easier. Knowing the difference between now and not yet becomes a little clearer.

I want my life and my story to reflect a young woman who is completely surrendered to Jesus and His plans because He really IS enough. He really does know me better than I know myself. And if God can use me to change even one persons' eternity - it really will be all worth it. So my friends, which glasses are you wearing today? The ones that only show you 10 feet ahead of you - but tell you you have it figured out and you got it all together? Or the ones that are crystal clear but show your hands are open to what the future has becomes someone better is holding it in His hands?

As someone who needs corrective lenses to see farther away, I know which glasses I want to have on and pray they don't come off again.

A Surrendered Life

This week I had the privilege of sharing with a youth group in Portland about Singleness. I was a bit taken aback when I was first asked because no one talks about Singleness...who was I to share my story when I feel like I am SO not good at trusting Christ. I quickly, though nervously, said yes and I had no idea what God would teach me in the process. 

We often wait till we are 'there' to look back and learn what God is doing. This time, I wanted to think about what God is doing while still on the journey to surrender. We each have things we long for and have to let go of. For me, that looks like the desire to be a wife and mom someday. For others it could be a job promotion, the new car or nice house. Trusting God with your kids - when you first give them the keys to your car. I realized this week that we all have those 'things' we long for and dream about and have to surrender to the Lord and what His plans entail. It's a life-long journey of surrender.

This week, I got to celebrate and remember God's faithfulness. He has blessed my socks off with the life He has given me and who am I to say that that isn't enough because it isn't what I plan and what I want. I shared an excerpt from my favorite children's book, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. This is a story of a young girl named, Much-Afraid. She is on a journey following the Good Shepherd and how He promises her to take her to the High Places. This excerpt is in the chapter entitled: To Full Surrender. 

"This time, instead of just laying down her own desires, Much-Afraid laid her whole self on that altar. She gave her crooked feet, her twisted mouth, and her fearing heart. She gave all her hopes and dreams for ever getting to the High Places. She gave all that she was and all that she would ever be. There came a flame from somewhere that seemed to burn deep within her heart. A beautiful sense of peace filled her and she fell asleep." 

This week, I was reminded that God doesn't just ask us to give Him our plans and hopes for the future. Though this is true, there is so much more. He wants us to surrender our lives...our hearts because only HE can hold them perfectly under His control. To surrender our whole selves to the good good Father we have. 

I was recently at a wedding where the Maid of Honor shared an encouraging text the Bride sent her. I asked for it after and now have it posted in my house. The two were talking about the lack of good Christian guys around...the Bride texted this: 

"...I know there are adequate reasons to be cynical of the Christian men arrayment. HOWEVER...is the supply really the issue?! Is God not powerful enough to bring us men out of thin air if He wanted?? He is....What is He trying to teach us by this? We may never know...but I do know that He is not a with holder of good."

That last sentence...not a with holder of good. Amen! How true is this?! God really does have our BEST in mind...thus allowing us to know that we CAN surrender or whole selves to His hands and it will be better than we could imagine. A song that I have listened to almost daily the last few weeks - Casting Crowns - Just Be Held - is a song that I now use as my reminder to Surrender. 

A reminder to trust God with tomorrow and just be held today.  

May it be your reminder today, as well.

Being Confident in the Calling

This week I was asked a peculiar question by someone..."Jennica...you are young and single...how long are you REALLY going to be at Highlands? You can be doing anything you want - you can go wherever you want, do whatever you want, how long are you really planning on staying here?"

Hearing this question got me thinking. My life today isn't anything like I thought it would be - I never would have guessed that God would allow me to do my dream job right out of college. During church this morning - one of the points being made was: Take courage in your Calling - Trust what God has entrusted to you. I am regularly humbled by the fact that God chooses to use us in our brokenness to share God's Word with other people. He entrusts us with the message - confident that we will get the job done.

I have no idea what God has for the future...I don't know what tomorrow will hold, or next week, next month or next year. But, I do know...that I am confident in what God has called me to. God has given me a deep passion to invest in the next generation and I want to do all I can to fulfill the task God has created for me.

God so clearly brought me to Highlands and I am so thankful for how clear that call was. I am starting this new week with a deeper sense of rest than I had before. I want to be able to say at the end of the day, that I did all I could to fulfill God's call on my life. I love the life God has blessed me with in Renton and I truly could not imagine being anywhere else or doing anything else at this point in my life. I am thankful for how God shut so many doors to lead me to this place. He is good. His timing is impeccable.

In Acts 20 it says:

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

We don't always get what we want, when we want it....but that is such a gift!! He knows us deeper than we know ourselves...and for that I am truly grateful. I want to do better at more quickly turning to dwell on His faithfulness and celebrating His grace.

My friends, in a world where it is so easy to compare oneself to another - where we see the 'happy faces' on social media...where we are always trying to do bigger and better things - where the grass is always greener on the other side - be confident in the message and calling God has given YOU.

That calling is only yours and it is beautiful! 

A Valentine's Day Post

Every year, this holiday rolls up and I find myself again and again pretending it isn't so. Pretending that this day isn't really coming up and I am still single. I avoid the grocery stores like the plague because of the nausea that screams in my face the second I walk through the doors. The commercials and radio advertisements and all the reminders that Valentine's Day is happening is so loud I can't go an hour without being reminded it is coming.

This year, I am seeking the Lord to teach me about what it means to surrender my hopes, dreams and life to Him. To the author of the world and the giver of life - to Love Himself. I knew that in order to have a good attitude today, I needed to not be at my house by myself. So, I decided earlier this week that I needed to go on a hike with Jesus - that is where I sense his presence closest with me. When I can tune out the noise of this world, the lies that try and creep their way into my mind, thoughts and heart. I put on my earbuds and turned up my worship music and we took a hike. Just after I got started this song came on - Good to be Alive - I started singing along and knew it was going to be a good day! Look it up - it's a good one!

I made it to the top and found a cozy spot and pulled out my Bible. I am working on reading the Bible through chronologically and it is FASCINATING. If you haven't read the Bible through this way - start now! Every time I read through there is something new and this time things are jumping off the page at me and I am so in love with the God who created all of this.

I am currently in 2 Samuel; 1 Chronicles and the Psalms. It is neat to see David's prayers in the Psalms as he leads the Israelites through to the Promised Land. Each time a new nation comes up to conquer, the Israelites say, 'No way. God can't do this. We must return to Egypt.' They overtly disobey and don't trust the God who PROMISED them to get to the Promised Land. I feel like I am so quick to have the same attitude. I know God has given me more than I ever could possibly deserve, yet I have moments where I doubt His leading in my life. I want to be married someday and have my own family, that isn't happening yet and I so quickly fall into the same trap as the Israelites - believing that I can do better myself - failing to recognize all that God has given me. In this weeks reading, I came across Psalm 84:10-12.

"For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"

So many times I have seen this verse be taken out of it's context to be given as encouragement to people that God will give you something good. It is a pretty powerful statement, but when we read it in the order that it happened, Israel is turning their back, going from one sin to another, not trusting in the Father, then seeing Him provide and protect for them. When I read this passage this week, in this context, I was stunned. There is SO much power behind that. Even when we fail to trust completely, when we think we can do better than God Himself, he will bring us back, forgive us and give us His blessing and His goodness. What an amazing God!

At the top of the mountain today I got to witness an engagement. A young couple came to the top and I could tell the young man looked nervous. He was fidgeting and looking around - he looked at me and smiled and I knew what he was about to do. He got down on one knee...gave her a little speech then pulled out a little black box. My heart was beaming with love knowing that I was getting to experience this moment with this couple. Though I still dream of the day that some man might get down on his knee to ask to spend the rest of my life with him, I was reminded that God has already done that for me. That kind of love, that full commitment, the ALL in kind of love. Jesus did that for me when I asked Him to forgive me of my sins and to be my Savior. And, even better, earthly promises say, 'till death do us part.' My love with Jesus isn't that at all. It is at death that we will truly be united - with no fears, questions, or tears - I like that part!

Tonight, I am going to bed in awe of God's steadfast love for me. He is the one that loves us fully, perfectly and unconditionally. I am so thankful for this kind of love and that we get to experience a small taste of this love on earth. So my friends, enjoy this day. Celebrate with the ones whom God has brought into your life and thank Him first and foremost for each of those people and for the fact that He gave His life so we could live forever with Him. That is a love we will never understand!

Jesus, help me to walk uprightly and trust you completely!  

You can see the couple there - just to the right - just after they got engaged. Blessings on your marriage, strangers! :) 

A Year of Surrender

As we step into another new year, I always like to take some time to reflect on what God has done in the year and what I am looking forward to God doing in the next year. This has always been a value of my Dads and something our family looks forward to every New Years Day: Chinese food and sharing what God is doing. This year, I have met a gal named Lauryn - she is my BSF leader and I am so thankful God put me in her group. She was sharing with us that her family does something like this every year. They each pick a word they want to grow in that year and they pray about it, seek it in the Word and learn as much as possible about that one characteristic. She challenged us to do the same starting this fall. I LOVED the idea and decided to pick a word for my 2015. 

After much prayer, thought and journaling, I decided that God was putting on my heart the idea of SURRENDER. For me, I LOVE stories. I love reading stories, listening to stories but even more telling stories - I even themed my whole dorm section in college around the idea of stories! I love the art in this form of communication and I believe that stories are one of Gods greatest ways of communicating truth to His people. However, because I have such a love for stories, I find myself striving to create and craft my own stories for my future. What I think should happen and how I think it should happen and sometimes worse...when it should happen. I recognize that I am failing to surrender myself and my future to our perfect Savior who is a FAR better story teller than I will ever be. 

We live in a goal-oriented world. Goals in and of themselves aren't bad, it is important to set a target and have something to look to.  However, for myself, I have sensed my goals slipping to expectations for myself. I had expectations of where I would be at this point in my life. What I would be doing for a job and where I would be living. The life I have now is no where near what I ever thought I would be doing (at least at this point) ha! I never would have imagined God would be putting me in full time Children's ministry at this age. I never would have imagined I would have my own place and would be living on my own and paying my own bills. What a surprise God gave me - and huge blessing!

For 2015, I am asking God to help me surrender my future and my desire to write my own story. God is a far better author than me - he has already proved that in more ways than one in my life. I hope for this year to more regularly be living in my today. To stop crafting what tomorrow will hold and surrender my hopes, expectations, dreams and desires to Him - because they are all a gift from Him to begin with!! 

I am so looking forward to this year and all that God will do in my heart, mind and life. AND this year I FINALLY get a brother - I am looking forward to that quite a bit too! I challenge you to think of what God is wanting to teach each of you this year and dive into the Word to discover what God has for you in that. So far, my favorite passage on surrender is found in Matthew 16:

'Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.'

 Join me as I seek to surrender my story and my future to the perfect Author. Blessings on your 2015!!

A Tribute to Dad...

It's Dads birthday this weekend and I have been reflecting on the gift God

My First Wedding

gave me by allowing me to be his daughter. All these thoughts have been whirling around in my mind and I decided it was worthy of a blog post to celebrate His special day. 

Dad...this is for you, 

Growing up I never realized how blessed I was by having the dad I did. He sure set the bar high for any future man by being an amazing husband to my mom and an amazing dad to my sisters and me. He held us when we cried, through sobs of incoherent blubber, he brushed our hair and always told us we were so beautiful in our little dresses. He put up with hairspray, nail polish, chick flicks and boy talks - and still does! 

Dad's Birthday

Dad taught me how to drive, including letting me purchase a stick shift I didn't know how to work...and graciously let me ride when I broke down in tears - then took me out for ice cream. One of my favorite memories of my dad might have come during my junior year in High School. It was softball season. As I rounded the corner of 3rd base after hitting my first home run, I saw Dad in the stands with both arms in the air and the pride on his face...I could hear his voice cheering me on. This picture is locked into my memory and will never go away. I had never felt so on-top-of the world. He was committed to being at almost every softball game, track meet and swim meet including all away games; band concerts, parades and football games - all while pastoring a church. Family was his priority - we felt that.

Graduation 2013

Dad has taught me the importance of humility and what it looks like to be a life-long learner. We graduated last year just 6 days a part. Him with his Doctor of Ministry degree and me with my Bachelors. Dad has instilled in me a deep love for Jesus, a desire to commit my life to sharing Christ with the next generation, a love for kids - including a a childlike joy - and a fiercly competitive nature.

I will be forever grateful for the influence my Dad has had on me and on so many others - I can only pray I can keep this legacy alive. Dad, I love you more than words can describe and I am so grateful God made me to be your daughter. Happy Birthday!!

About that competitive nature...

Love,
Your Jenna girl

**Disclaimer: I know I have friends who do not have this kind of relationship due to loss - the affects of living in a broken world. Might I encourage you with the knowledge that Almighty Father has CHOSEN YOU. "...even as he chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him...." Ephesians 1:3-14 -- Look up the rest, then commit it to your memory...it's gold. 

Thankful for the friendship we have...<3